Mission Impossible?

Dear Tom Cruise-

You seem pretty crazy, but you’re the only person I can think of that might be able to provide some insight right now.   It all goes back to that jumping-on-the-couch incident.  I'm not sure you ever got over it.  I know I haven't--it still creeps me out.  Not to be rude, but it looks like you scared Oprah too . . . and she's seen just about everything.

Anyway, the point is that while you were couch-jumping, we were all rolling our eyes, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  And it did drop.  It took a little less than six years, but your marriage failed.  As it turns out, couch jumping antics don't prove true or everlasting love . . . I can't say that I'm shocked.  It was painfully obvious that you were insanely driven to feel in love, which is not the same thing as actually being in a successful, meaningful relationship.  I'm guessing you were probably motivated by your own feelings of loneliness and insecurity.  Those are powerful feelings, but they are also temporary.  It’s too bad you didn't have the self-awareness to see that.  You jumped off Oprah's couch and headed straight into the deep end of your third failed marriage.

I'm writing you today because my mom is presently engaged in the same kind of I-think-I’m-in-love ridiculousness and I don’t know how to help her stop.   Last week I learned that Mom is planning on marrying Lieutenant Tan in Las Vegas.  I’m not invited.  It is apparently of no concern that Mom has only known Lieutenant Tan since June.  Mom also isn’t bothered by the fact that Lieutenant Tan hasn’t met her children. According to Mom, you can know everything you need to know about a potential spouse after 2 hours on a plane, 200 hours on the phone and 400 emails.  (Presumably, these e-mails include the pictures mom has wallpapered everywhere featuring Lieutenant Tan holding various military-grade assault rifles.)  

Mom tells me that Lieutenant Tan will take care of her and she feels safe with him.  (How anybody could feel safe with all those assault rifles sitting around is beyond me.)  Mom assures me I would love Lieutenant Tan because he’s like a big golden lab. “He smiles and wags his tail and will curl up at your feet.”  (Do Labs where camo and carry grenades and Facebook fan Bill O’Riley?  I think not.)   But here’s the real kicker:  My mom wrote me an e-mail and told me that “in fact,” Mom’s deceased mother and Lieutenant Tan’s deceased mother are sitting up in heaven orchestrating this match.  That’s right.  Mom’s new relationship is sanctioned and approved by the dead. 

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond to that.  Mom seems determined to make a fool of herself just like you did jumping up and down on a sofa. So I’m just wondering if there was anything anybody could have said that would have made you stop and reconsider?  Would it have made a difference if one of your kids had put their arm around you and said, “Dad, I think you need to slow this train (wreck) down?”  Would you have listened?  Could anyone have convinced you that going off the deep end always results in failed relationships?  I’m guessing not.  But since you’re Tom Cruise and you're crazy and you specialize in impossible missions, I thought I should at least ask.

Sincerely,

SEE