Fare Thee Well

Dear Scrappy-

I only met you on Sunday night . . . It was dark and you were darting through traffic. I pulled into the shoulder of the road and turned my flashers on and got out of the car.  You jumped up on the median, and came just within my reach . . . But each time I tired to scoop you up, a car would pass by and you would get scared and run away again.  I was certain I would stand there in the grass and watch you come to an untimely end. I'm not always good at handling near-disasters, but I took a deep breath and reminded myself that in the history of my life, no animal has ever run away from me. Not once. Not ever. At that point, I sunk down on my knees and opened my arms and you came running to me. 

Thank you for trusting me.  It might be the smartest thing you ever did.  You probably don't understand this just yet, but you've got a great home coming.  You'll be loved and nurtured and fed.  Your forever family will take you for drives and let you sleep in their bed . . . they'll probably even smile when you lick their faces.  

Anyway, I just wanted to say that it was nice getting to know you.  You are a squirrely little guy, but I enjoyed having you around and I wish you all the best in your new happy life.   

Sincerely,

SEE

P.S.  I'm really sorry about that neutering thing, but they'll give you great pain medication. Please forgive me!!

New Rule: No More Disp

Dear Bill Maher-

I like you a lot.  You make me laugh at least once a week and that's more than all of the other men in my DVR.  You are intense and intelligent and laugh-out-loud funny.  You also use your hands when you talk, and that's cool.--it makes you appear animated and involved.  But here's the thing.  I recently saw your show for the first time in HDTV and ohmigosh!  I noticed that your face and hands are not the same color.  At all. 

I thought about this predicament and decided it needed a new word.  So I made this one up:

Disp:     noun, 1. disparity or discrepancy between coloration of face and other parts of the body; 2.  make-up that doesn't match your natural skin tone.

Because I like you, I’m letting you know you’ve got a bad case of disp.   I'm not a make-up artist, but I'm thinking your face make-up might be called ivory bisque.  Maybe your hand make-up would be called rosy beige?  I don’t really know.  But what I do know is that your show is smart and funny and your make-up shouldn’t distract anyone from that. 

Hands down, you are still my first choice for receiving campaign coverage.  (Pun intended.) But maybe you could go to Sephora and get some help with your make-up?  Tell them you’ve got a new rule:  no more disp!

Sincerely,

SEE 

Power to the Preschooler

Dear E-

I just want to let you know that I'm on your side.  Sometimes, it's not easy to be a five-year old.  And Sunday School isn't really as fun as all those churchy grownups like to pretend it is. Your mom told me that after the Sunday School lesson on Moses, you refused to participate in the coloring activity because you were very scared about bushes on fire.  I don't blame you for that.  Burning bushes are scary.

It doesn't seem right to go around starting fires just to get attention.  In fact, if you ever start a fire to get someone's attention, you will go to jail.  So, don't do that.  But also, don't worry about bushes on fire.  It only happened once, thousands of years ago.  I'm pretty sure God realized that wasn't a very good idea because he never did it again. 

Anyway, I just want to tell you I'm proud of you. Standing up and refusing to do something that makes you uncomfortable is brave. Thanks for reminding me of that. You are one cool kid. 

Sincerely,

SEE